My current dilemma in this mess called divorce is deciding how to handle the issue of custody of my children.

K is adamant that he wants to have the kids 50% of the time. I am not happy about that, and can't imagine missing out on half of my children's lives. If K has his way, I will only get to cuddle with them on half of the mornings in their lives. I will only see them run to me across the school playground on half of the afternoons in their lives. I will only curl up with their favorite books for half of the bedtimes in their lives. I will only kiss their foreheads as they sleep on half of the nights in their lives. I will only be part of half of the days of my kids' childhoods. Just thinking about the possibility makes me nauseous and panicky.

But the hard truth is that Nevada law tends to award equal time to parents who want it. As long as K can show that he can find the time for the kids, he will get them. My only hope to get the kids more than half the time is to prove that K works too much.

I know that K has never been available in the past, has always chosen work over family, has been too busy to do things with me and the kids. I know that I had to create a life and plan activities which did not include K because he was incapable of joining and enjoying us.

But now K has hired an employee. He's going to show that he does have time and is available for the kids. He's going to show that he can now do in 3 or 4 days the same work he used to do in 6 or 7 days.

The fact that he's been unavailable for the past 8 years is irrelevant to the court. The fact that he's never wanted to be involved with the kids is irrelevant. The fact that the kids are accustomed to doing everything with me is...you guessed it...irrelevant. How is that what is best for the kids?

So now, I need to decide what is best for the kids.

Is it better for me to concede and agree to a 50% time share or is it better to take this issue to trial and have a judge decide how we divide the time? If I concede, I will be without my children for half of their childhoods. If I take the issue to trial, I will be subjecting my children to examinations by psychologists and court appointed mediators. I can't imagine that a trial would be a very good experience for any of us, but how can I just give up on my children?

If K does get 50% time share, whether through decree or my concession, I can hope that he will quickly tire of his time with the kids. He's just not used to it and doesn't have the mentality of putting their needs before his day after day. He will not be able to handle the messes and constant responsibility which come along with two young kids. His Disney-Dad approach will only get him so far. Eventually, the novelty of finally having a daddy will wear off and the kids will start to present him with challenges. He is not equipped to handle their challenges.

But I can't just give up the kids on the hope that he will fail.

I feel an incredible amount of guilt when I think of my children spending any portion of their lives away from me. They have always known that I am the one who is there for them. Always. They know that they can trust and rely on my presence because I have always been present. I feel that I am breaking my promise to them to be the one person who will always be there. I fear that they will feel I've given them up. I worry that they'll think that I love them less. I feel that they'll question my devotion to them. What message am I sending them by telling them to go away from me? How will they ever trust in me as explicitly as they do now? The guilt I feel is so hard to bear.

So I'm faced with the question of which is worse: missing out on half of my kids' lives or putting them through the turmoil of a trial?