As part of the divorce process in Las Vegas, parents are required to attend a 4-hour seminar on how to be a good "co-parent." And that's the term you are supposed to use when referring to that person to whom you were once married but now would like to see suffering in every physical and mental way possible.
During this seminar, we discussed the stages of grief because those who are going through divorce are most likely experiencing grief. The stages are shock and denial (I'm done with those); pain and guilt (no guilt here); anger and bargaining (I'm SO angry right now); depression, reflection, and loneliness (I cry really easily, but K won't get the F out so I'm really not lonely yet); the upward turn (not yet); reconstruction and working through (still too much in the midst of things); acceptance and hope (I actually do have hope).
So, right now I'm stuck in this very angry place and I'm also sad about the effects this divorce is having on my kids. I feel like so many things are out of my control, and these things are preventing me from moving on, starting my new life, enjoying today, planning tomorrow. So it's not that I'm sad or angry about the divorce itself, I'm frustrated that K won't leave and that he's suddenly interested in the kids and that he's Disneyland Dad and doesn't follow C's food guidelines and lets the kids stay up late and doesn't limit screen time and isn't responsible for household stuff and won't get the F out of here!!!!! I'm also angry that the kids are buying into him and want to spend time with him. I don't blame them; after all, he is new and fun and virtually rule-free. But I'M the one who has always been there for them. I'M the one who is responsible for everything. I'M the one. Not him
I'm not used to dealing with anger. I generally just am not an angry person, and so I don't have very good anger management skills. Apparently my strategy is to call my adversary names and laugh out loud when he does things with the kids which he knows I don't agree with. Apparently I also carry my anger deep and let it seethe within me. This feeling just makes me want to scream.
I am also realizing that I don't like it when I can't change things which directly effect my life. I really don't like that Z's behavior is out of my control right now. I don't like that I can't make K leave the house. I don't like that the legal process takes so long and I can't change that. I don't like that I don't know how often I will get to see my kids when this is over.
So what can I take from all of this? I have let the past couple of years really take their toll on me. I have let my relationship with K and his views of me really push me down and I have lost myself.
I resent that K is all fun and I'm all rules, so I just need to become more fun.
I want to have interests and be interesting again, so I need to pursue that.
I want to enjoy myself, so I need to discover what it is that I enjoy.
I want to enjoy my children, so I need to see the good things in them.
I want to enjoy my life, so I need to make my life enjoyable.